the day started of like all the others, i really didn't want to get out of bed again. there's something about this time of year that makes me so tired, and not just physically tired either. things also seem to have a habit of piling up at this time of year, much like the leaves outside.
I went through the normal morning ritual of breakfast and all that. As usual i was interrogated over my cornflakes by mother, i'm guessing i gave all the right answers because it didn't disintergrate into a slanging match, which is good, because although i'm louder and more forceful, i nearly always lose them.
after the rigmarol of breakfast, i quickly washed and styled my hair, usually it doesn't have any sort of style, but for once i thought it'd be good to make some sort of effort for a change. I got into the car and drove on auto pilot to work, the trip takes about half hour and give me a nice chance to think about things again, because i do the journey so often, i know just where i'm going and when my turn is coming up with out thinking about it.
work normally consists of me sitting in my little booth, staring at the computer, trying to make out just those figures mean. but today something different was happening, although i didn't realise it initially. today there were more people than usual in the office, they were all gathered at the far end of the room when i entered and sat down by my desk. they all looked slightly nervous, unsure of what to do almost. i ignored them for the most part and settled into my uncomfortable chair and switched everything on. light. computer. monitor. there's something satisfying about the hum that it sends up when you switch it on. lots of people in the office have switched to those tft flat monitors, but i still like my big chunky one.
as i'm waiting for the system to boot up i shift uneasily in my chair, for such a large number of people in the office, it's eerily quiet and i don't like it. i ease myself up to have a look over the top of the partition at them, trying to gauge what they're all interested in.
as i lower myself back into that damned chair, i notice that there's something weird happening with my computer screen, the colours are all weird and running into each other and into red, everything's red. then it started, the noise. a low chittering. i couldn't work out where it was coming form initially, but it was from the computer, i don't have speaker though. then there were the eyes appearing through the red, blinking at me as the chittering grew. i looked up again to see what the rest of the group were doing. there was one guy looking up at me, he was in the front of the group, but he was stood up straight, and looking at me. no it was more than that, he was glaring, actually trying to bore a hole through my skull with his eyes.
i sat back down quickly, staring back at the screen in front of me, more eyes were peering through the red now.

there is a rage and anger that is deep inside
so strong are these feelings i try to hide
but they take me over from time to time
i lose control, i feel like i'm not mine
i don't like it, not being in control
i don't like THEM, they hide in my soul
i want and dream of being free
away from everything that pushes me
yet here i and, and here i'll stay
to face me demons for another day

what if you and me were together,
would that be so bad?
because i could make you happy
when you're feeling sad

there is something dormant and lying there
some undefined spark that starts to flare
there is something between us, unspoken and true
certain feelings i have when i think of you

i look upon you and see radient beauty
i look upon you and smile
i look upon you with the utmost respect
i look upon you and think a while

explaining how you feel
can be a nightmare.
and when you are made to,
does that person really car?

I hate having to do it
explaining being me is hard
but on occasion there is someone
worth the whole 9 yard

i think i may have found her,
but then i'm not so sure.
I'm scared as hell about it
and i don't really know what for.

If i'm right and she's the one,
then everything will work out cool.
But if i'm wrong and it all falls flat,
then i'll feel a big-time fool.

what do you see
when you look at me?
do you see the boy?
playing with a favoured toy.
the kid with the wicked grin,
yet so innocent, an original sin.
Do you see the man?
down the pub when he can
the type you love to hate,
the type you fall for, call it fate.
or do you see what isn't there
a male, who like most, doesn't care
someone who's there in body, but not soul
someone who really has a heart that cold.
but whatever you see
and what you think is me,
just take your time
and open your mind,
then you will see
what truly is me.

you know who i am by the way i look at you.
and you can tell from this that my feelings are true.
the feelings i have and the feelings i hold
are from me to you, so clear, strong and bold.
From the bottom of my heart i beg forgiveness,
i'm truly sorry. With god as my witness
i'll say to you "i'll right my wrongs,
in the past is where our history belongs"
so know this now and know this true,
with love in my heart is how i look at you.

close you eyes
and sympathise,
about what we've done
when we had fun.

those few days
remain a haze.
the kiss-n-tell antics
of a pair of romantics.

you proved your worth
to walk this earth,
but all i did
was act like a kid.

now we talk for hours,
while inside me cowers
the feeling i hide.
you asked, but i lied

sacred is the spirit that belongs to the one
sacred is the earth and sacred the sun
sacred is the being that it belongs to
sacred are the feelings from me to you

"tomorrow never comes"
that's what they say
so with that in mind
lets seize the day

fear is a funny thing, there are times in my life when i have let the fear run things, let the fear control what i do, how i do andwhen i do things.
But now, now the fear works for me. I am still afraid, petrified even, but i'm using that fear, making it drivce me on, using it against itself.
I have a lot to be fearful of, many bad things may happen if i get found out. But the fear os these things pales in comparision to the fear of what may happen should i fail in my task. There are things out there which are much worse than anything that they can and probably will do to me should the ever catch me.
My fear holds me together in the dark, when the voices come. The past taunts me still. As i lay there i can hear the screams of those who trusted me before, their faith in me was wasted in the same way as their lives.
it is the fear that this will happen again that haunts me now. the fear that this time it will be worse. A fear that only i can bear, because only i know what is happening and how to stop it from escalating further.
Yes, fear is a funny thing. Motivating some people into doing extraordinary feats and freezing others into numbing silence. But i will not be one of the silent ones any more. I'm going to be my loud self, i always have been loud and always will be. The fear that silenced me in the past will motivate me, pushing me down the right path this time.
There can be no more suffering, no more pain. not here, not now, not again. I'm living my life the way it should've been lived, i'm living my destiny.
There's that word again, destiny. it's another funny one, destiny and fear go hand in hand. sometimes, like i did in the past, you fear the destiny your life has. and sometimes the destiny leads to fear.
like some haunting melody that has played through my life, as though it were my theme tune, the fear is always there, echoing through my head.

They've taken my identity. my name, job life, everything that was me, that made me who i am has been and that shaped me. they've taken it all.
I stand here naked, in body as well as in spirit and essence. I'm a broken man, now alone and desolate. I have nothing, not even a name. I have no future beyond these four walls unless they choose one for me. my past has been erased. I have no clear path, no obvious route for my life to take, not without them. They are my life, my dreams, my family and my future now.
And all of this because i know things, i know what they fear, i know what they want. Knowledge is truly power in the wrong hands, and now, now i've fallen into theirs. Giving in to them will only lead to situations which have only got one way to play out. All things leading to one outcome, one possibility, one future, one life.

recollection is a funny thing, there are times when i can recollect everything, right down to the smallest of details, what she was wearing, the smell of her perfume, the way she smiled even though her mood was telling her not to. but all these things are gone now, she's been taken from me while still so young.
the time we have spent together will always be with me, remembering it will hurt, they were good times and happy days. there were times when i thought and hoped it would never end, and times when i knew it couldn't end.
but now she's gone, leaving me her to struggle with everything on my own. i know it's not her fault, i know the blame lies with the illness, but i just wish that i'd gone with her, that we'd both been taken from this place.
she still comes to me in my dreams and i still talk to her everyday, usually when i'm on my own so no-one can see the tears, but sometimes, when i really need her, i talk to her and it doesn't matter where i am or who sees me. when i first started doing this, i used to pretend i was using the phone, people tend to ignore you then, but now i just talk. yeah, i get the occasional odd look, but the people who know me and love me still, they know what i am doing.
there has been nothing in my life that has been harder than coming to terms with this loss, there have been times when i have thought about going with her, i know she's waiting for me, there on the other side. but our love was more then just the two of us, and the knowledge of that is keeping me going, the love for our daughter, the love from our daughter, it's the strength that i need to keep me alive.

The lack of sound was making me aware of something, it was nagging at me like the sea slowly eroding away at a cliff face. I was becoming very aware of the faces watching me, expecting something, waiting for me, wanting me to say something. Something. Anything. I was struggling to rack back through my memories of the last few minutes, trying to realise what was expected of me, but I'd tuned out of the conversation, I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened earlier this morning. It wasn't until now that i realised that I'd been watched, there was someone waiting there for me, expecting me to do just what I did do, someone who'd pass on the report about it. i should've known really that there was going to be someone there, there always is. it wasn't my fault though, i hadn't meant for that to happen, sometimes fate takes things on, letting them run their natural course isn't enough though. That's why i'm there, that's what i do, i give fate a helping hand.
The silence was becoming unbearable, i needed to say something, they were still waiting. i wish i was somewhere else, anyway right now, but i need do say something, anything. i know what they want to hear, but i'm not sure i can bring myself to say it.
"you want me to help? how the hell can i help now? you know what you're asking me to do is not just impossible, fucking suicide" i regretted swearing to them, but i needed to emphasise the importance to them, and as soon as i'd said it i knew that it was the wrong way to emphasise the problem, instead i made myself look as though i was too incompetant to take on the task at hand and i knew that this was not the case.
the silence in the room remained, the faces stayed glued to me, hardly able to believe the outburst, the negativity, the fear and cowardice which had come from me. they looked at me to see if i was really serious in what i'd said. we all knew that these things could be asked of us when we formed this group, we were all willing to do our part, we were all willing to take the consequences. what ever they may have been. that's why we were here, that's why they knew i'd eventually agree to do it, but i still needed to make them suffer a little longer.
still no response.
a few of the faces looking at me had started to frown. i was looking round and i could see one in particular, he was starting to sweat, face flushed, and i could tell that he'd been the main instigator behind the task they were asking me to do, and i knew that there was something else, something deeper, some other reason behind it, but i couldn't figure him out. as i sat there i knew there was nothing that the could do to make me change my mind, to make me "see the light". i knew i should've jumped to it, i knew that the opportunity was too good to be true and that i was the obvious and best choice. no one knew me, no one had seen me, i could get away with anything.
i could see that with me hesitating and making them wait longer it was crushing them, making them realise that the power they once had was only as strong as the power each individual wanted them to have, in this case it's me that has the power.

As the life force fades from one individual, two will rise to take it's place, this is how it has always been. Death breathes life.
I know this for I have seen the truth, that which they don't want us to see, things which they whisper in the dark which we are not to hear, I have heard them. I know everything, I know what they do at night, I know why they hide their faces from us.
Trust is always important, but if we do not know about these things then we can only trust blindly. Stumbling in the dark, trying to find our way around all the pitfalls that surround us everyday which we do not see.
In they dark they come, come easy our pain, they make us dependant, they test our will power. If we fail then they take our soul, if we pass we become enslaved, we rise as one of them.
Each wears the sign, although only some display it to everyone, flaunting our ignorance to them, showing us they exist and are real, showing us their power.

"Father, bless me for I have sinned. Father, I have never been to confessional before, and this pains me. I have sinned in many ways and I fear that I will die soon here and I wish for absolution from the Higher Powers in this life before i embark on the next"
"My son, I cannot absolve that which I do not know, you must tell me of these sins so that absolution may be granted"
"Father, with these hands I have killed, I have taken life from those who do not deserve it and I have washed the guilt from my hands with the money given for the life taken"
"Why do you seek absolution now?"
"The Lord will have seen my deeds and know my sins, when judgement comes I want to be able to hold my head high and say that I have been absolved there is little else I can do to keep my sanity. It's all I have left of this life that I want to keep."