recollection is a funny thing, there are times when i can recollect everything, right down to the smallest of details, what she was wearing, the smell of her perfume, the way she smiled even though her mood was telling her not to. but all these things are gone now, she's been taken from me while still so young.
the time we have spent together will always be with me, remembering it will hurt, they were good times and happy days. there were times when i thought and hoped it would never end, and times when i knew it couldn't end.
but now she's gone, leaving me her to struggle with everything on my own. i know it's not her fault, i know the blame lies with the illness, but i just wish that i'd gone with her, that we'd both been taken from this place.
she still comes to me in my dreams and i still talk to her everyday, usually when i'm on my own so no-one can see the tears, but sometimes, when i really need her, i talk to her and it doesn't matter where i am or who sees me. when i first started doing this, i used to pretend i was using the phone, people tend to ignore you then, but now i just talk. yeah, i get the occasional odd look, but the people who know me and love me still, they know what i am doing.
there has been nothing in my life that has been harder than coming to terms with this loss, there have been times when i have thought about going with her, i know she's waiting for me, there on the other side. but our love was more then just the two of us, and the knowledge of that is keeping me going, the love for our daughter, the love from our daughter, it's the strength that i need to keep me alive.