The lack of sound was making me aware of something, it was nagging at me like the sea slowly eroding away at a cliff face. I was becoming very aware of the faces watching me, expecting something, waiting for me, wanting me to say something. Something. Anything. I was struggling to rack back through my memories of the last few minutes, trying to realise what was expected of me, but I'd tuned out of the conversation, I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened earlier this morning. It wasn't until now that i realised that I'd been watched, there was someone waiting there for me, expecting me to do just what I did do, someone who'd pass on the report about it. i should've known really that there was going to be someone there, there always is. it wasn't my fault though, i hadn't meant for that to happen, sometimes fate takes things on, letting them run their natural course isn't enough though. That's why i'm there, that's what i do, i give fate a helping hand.
The silence was becoming unbearable, i needed to say something, they were still waiting. i wish i was somewhere else, anyway right now, but i need do say something, anything. i know what they want to hear, but i'm not sure i can bring myself to say it.
"you want me to help? how the hell can i help now? you know what you're asking me to do is not just impossible, fucking suicide" i regretted swearing to them, but i needed to emphasise the importance to them, and as soon as i'd said it i knew that it was the wrong way to emphasise the problem, instead i made myself look as though i was too incompetant to take on the task at hand and i knew that this was not the case.
the silence in the room remained, the faces stayed glued to me, hardly able to believe the outburst, the negativity, the fear and cowardice which had come from me. they looked at me to see if i was really serious in what i'd said. we all knew that these things could be asked of us when we formed this group, we were all willing to do our part, we were all willing to take the consequences. what ever they may have been. that's why we were here, that's why they knew i'd eventually agree to do it, but i still needed to make them suffer a little longer.
still no response.
a few of the faces looking at me had started to frown. i was looking round and i could see one in particular, he was starting to sweat, face flushed, and i could tell that he'd been the main instigator behind the task they were asking me to do, and i knew that there was something else, something deeper, some other reason behind it, but i couldn't figure him out. as i sat there i knew there was nothing that the could do to make me change my mind, to make me "see the light". i knew i should've jumped to it, i knew that the opportunity was too good to be true and that i was the obvious and best choice. no one knew me, no one had seen me, i could get away with anything.
i could see that with me hesitating and making them wait longer it was crushing them, making them realise that the power they once had was only as strong as the power each individual wanted them to have, in this case it's me that has the power.